MLB teams file motion to suspend Chicago Cubs indefinitely
December 13, 2016
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Early yesterday morning, representatives from 29 teams gathered together to sign a petition addressed to Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred, pleading for the indefinite suspension of the entire Chicago Cubs roster. This suspension, proposed to be “enacted immediately,” would disqualify the team from regular season and postseason contention for a minimum of another 108 years.
“Problem is, they’re too good now,” St. Louis Cardinals manager Mike Matheny said when asked about the streaking Cubs. “For god’s sake, it’s not fair to the rest of [the MLB].”
One American League team representative declared angrily that the Cubs were “not supposed to be a problem for at least another year.” American League teams, who faced the Cubs a mere 18 times during the 162-game season, are still “shaking in their cleats at the prospect of potentially facing the Cubs in a 2017 World Series matchup,” an insider claims.
The Cubs, currently the odds-on favorite to win the World Series next year, came into fire last season when they banned all goats from entering Wrigley Field. The move, made in an effort to avoid a repeat of the notorious 1945 billy goat fiasco, was met with anger by several animal care organizations, namely PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) and GAS (Goats Against Segregation).
In a press conference, GAS president Sav da Gotz described the action as “ludicrous,” claiming that the organization will continue to pursue this matter in court, willing to “take it all the way to the Supreme Court” if need be.
“Remember a little court case called Brown v. Board of Education?” da Gotz said. “Goat v. Wrigley Field will be the landmark case of this generation, mark my words.”
Opposing pitchers have also reportedly had enough and are willing to go on strike to show the Commissioner that they aren’t messing around.
“I’ve had nightmares about the entire batting order,” Arizona Diamondbacks ace pitcher Zack Greinke said. “Have you ever looked into Kris Bryant’s eyes? They’re so beautiful that I forget how to speak, let alone remember how to throw a slider. It definitely should be illegal to have eyes so blue and so piercing.”
If the suspension is not enacted, Greinke is threatening to sue the league for an unsafe work environment.
Greinke isn’t the only pitcher to publicly announce his unwillingness to pitch against the Cubs. One unnamed pitcher reportedly burst into tears when describing the “stressful process of picking straws” in order to determine who would be taking the mound. After picking the unlucky straw and forced to face the Cubs, this unnamed pitcher added that the reason he pitched poorly was because of “his poor, broken back” and yelling that “the only person to understand his feelings was Joe Buck.”
In other news, WGN (channel nine) has officially cancelled the sitcom “Grandpa and Rizz,” even after the show received record-shattering ratings in its inaugural season. A spin-off romantic comedy, titled “Bryzzo and Baessul,” is reportedly in the works, with a pilot premiering sometime in April of 2017. The official cast is still being finalized, so stay tuned for any new casting additions.